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One little lost girl

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4th December 2009

2:58am: Happy Holidays
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Merry christmas to all reading this. even if you dont celebrate it religiously it's still a good idea. An idea of time of peace. I have always loved the holidays. they were a special tiem for my family and always have been i am sad that I dont get to spend it with my mother or my little sister. but I am enjoying spending it with Senpai. It has certainly been an interesting year. not sure it's a wholey good thing. but it's not bad either. well there are good and bad. I am not gonna linger on anything depressing. I know better than that. lol Now all i am stuck with is tryin to figure out what to get for christmas.
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19th October 2009

5:12pm: oh life is so confusing. augh. i can't believe gil did all this. I so want tobe angry at him. but i know he isn't worth my thoughts. he's just an imature childish pig. I just want all this to go by
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4th August 2009

11:08am: my art must is done. sadly. :( not been happy with anything in the last few days. but i can stick with reading for a little while. I dont mind. I did some really good pieces a few days ago. so at least that is a plus. I am still a big... inspired to do a few things. they dont do a lot tho when i cant seem to finsihe any of it. lol. aside from that... heard form chris the other day. he was doing well. apparently he went to a ren fair. lucky dog. XD i love those things. they are like... awesome. even with bad company like gil as. anyway. just an update. even tho it's not read by anyone. thought i would update anyway
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15th July 2009

10:35am: Wanting to get away
 I want to be back in hawaii today. after... this past two weeks. I dont want to be here. Right now all it feels like is there is just bad karma bad memroies. and it's ugly and disgusting. I want to go to my beautiful home where people are... well not all good. but less bad. that is for sure. And ... God do i miss home. Everytime i look at pictures or hear a friend got to go home for the whole summer... i'm envious. I wouldn't mind going back... but there are string with it. and I realise that. .... But... anyway... I dont konw. I just ... i need a girlfriend again. one i can trust. one who'll sit on the phone with me when i'm crying. not that i'm gonna find any of those soon... so i'm just gonna have to push along and bear with it and hope to never ...
i dont konw. hope to never need them again.
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11th July 2009

9:42am: All to myself alone
 So... now that i have been pretty much abandoned the chances of people getting their heads out their asses by t hose ho USED to care about me, with the exception of mars and my family (and chris oddly enough-- who when i needed someone on my side of all this bad stuff still answered his phone).  Things here have been really really ugly. We've had new locks installed, done what we could to jam the windows shut, and even with all that i still dont feel safe in my own home. Not that this has felt like much of ahome the last few months. I still cant bring myself to sleep in my own bed after what happenedthe last time I <i> DID </i> see gil *shudder*.  I wouldnt wish that on nyone else. I also wish i had said something to someone.... sooner.

Never be THAT girl. the one who thinks she can change him. People are naturally selfish and cruel. And when you dont tgive them what they want you become prime target number one. They will be out to hurt and destroy your life. Dont be that girl who goes back to him after he hurts you. I shouldn't have taken gil back. All it did was make things worse. Now I'm left to question how much of what we shared as memories are just blatant lie. . .
this is the worst of my relationships. And I dont hate him. I'm past my anger. I pitty him. He will never have friends, and he wil never konw love. You cannot be loved if you seek vengance on everyperson you dont agree with. And make the attempt to drag  people down with you will push your friends away....
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20th June 2009

9:40pm: come bac from a vacation? catch a cold.. guess it's better than having it while out and about. I had a good time in hawaii. saw most of the stuff.... and ... ya.... blah.
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10th June 2009

9:56am:


A week left.  just one week left here. It would be much easier if my home ws here. But I love dallas so much. Why is it not like this in other places. But I do look foreward to going home. But I have thought about a lot of things recently. Things are really... just running through my mind. I wish i could talk to someone about it. I cant. I know that. even when you tell someone dont tell you cant really expect them to keep that....

 

Almost wish I was in serteens. I could use a good KMC vent. ... Stacy would know what I Mean. Sigh.

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28th May 2009

9:49am: Almost Home
 Well I leave on sunday. 'we are driving to dallas tonight. so that's the first leg of the trip. then of course is the anime con. and i'm excited about that. altho with my limited interest i'm not sure i'll have MUCH to do. but i'll enjoy it. not as much as Scarborough tho. OMG that was an amazing time. :) anyway. I'm excited.

I have a lot of peopel to see.  Stacy wants to hang out, she's bored as all hell, and colin and rob of course. and mars wants to take me to dinner at least once. and zander will be there for a few days so fo course i ahve to say hello to him. And my sisters and my mom. Maybe if god parts the red sea, i'll even see amy. I doubt it tho, he only does that once every five thousand years or so. But i'm looking forward to seeing friends either way. Gonna play some robotech with the T ibbars, get to meet the new baby! :) babys are FTW. awesome.

I have missed hawaii. It will also give me some much needed time to think I miss it's slower pace. I really really do.
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4th May 2009

7:34pm: Corruption
 lol. i draged gil to a musical at the strand (tnanks to tommy for telling me and to mars' boss for getting me the tickets XD) but it was a blast. i enjoyed it. he really thought the songs were good. it's nice to have someone who even if they aren't his favorite thing he can appreciate them. But he really did like this one. The humor is just satirical enough and snyde for him to REALLY get a few good laughs

feeling good? i'm feeling a little blue myself. you know feelin ga bit unfulfilled. sad to be unfilfilled at this age. a sort of non descrip indifference reasulting in non-specific sadness. a feeling i call blue"

"HE was the albright toothbaste man. Allbright was hugely popular in the early twenties because it contained cocaine. No, really. it was the fifth ingredient down, right after sugar"

"debonair bridegroom, a latin lethario, and an aviatrix - what we would call a lesbian these days"

"who'se my monkey?"

lol there were a good number of funny lines from the show. so it's really really good. I wish they had been here another night i' have hacked myself off to be able to go again. it would have been worth the money
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16th April 2009

5:34pm: Always a let down
 Just when you thnk the day is bad it prceedes to get worse. Friends are supposed to comfort you in times of need. Well i tried. Tuesday jessica called me at work telling me she needed a place to crash. so i told her ya she could my couch was available. and that she just had to call me afterwork. ell she never id call so i called work to sk her . and she sid she'd found another friend to spend the night with who did not have to work th next morning. i was like ok ya sur.e (mind you i know the next morning she was really spnding the night with one of the guys we work with. guess weknow where her loyalty lies.) and today... melissa was supposed to come by to be cheered up. we were gonna bake and hang out out and watch mel brooks. I was really looking forward to it. but i have not heard anything from her. so... well... she hasn't showed up. haven't even heard a call or anything from her. everyother time i invited her something always came up. she'd say yes. then she would have somewhere to be. i dont konw why i thought t would be different. I guess i needed some girl time as well.  i'd hoped to get it from her. and well give nmy current track record. i dont think i want any female friends anymore. they aren't reliable. and  they get so muc closer to me emotionally that i end up  hurt.  which is where i am right now. hurt. disappointed. ... shrug* people always let people down.
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5th April 2009

11:54am: Needed Dallas
 Yes. I very much needed this trip. Very very much. It is really good to have a friend to hang out with and talk to. it ... ammuses me and relieves me to no end to know i do have some where to go.
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3rd April 2009

8:34pm: I have needed this.
 One day. One day in dallas and i already feel LOADS better. talkin gand spending time with leslie has made me feel TONS better. hearing some girl talk even though she is sick it's just amazingly comforting. this weekend is gonna go well. i can tell. :D
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31st March 2009

10:56am: i feel nautious. Sick to my stomach again. And I cant stop crying. it comes and goes. But god....I hate this feeling.
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8:36am: Still No word
 There hasn't been any word from gil since he told me he would call the leater worker. and there was nothing more attached to it. I dont know if we are together. I dont konw if we're still dateing. I am not sure i want to be because of the trouble it's causing me. the emotional distress is just... exhausting. I ... i wonder if we should push our relationship back. take a step backwards. reevaluate if our life's are really going in the same direction. if we are good together. Just... blech. ....

*hangs head in defeat* i wish i had the answers to this problem.
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29th March 2009

9:45am:
THe emotional stress. It's ... starting to consume me it feels like. I have no one but mars that I can completely divulge with. No one to sit there and hold me when i cry. Unfortunatly if i do it with anything that even resembles a male, Gil gets mad. Doesn't say anything. just gets that brooding, silent, nooooo noooothings wroonng.... making me feel like i have done some thing completely wrong. I know this is'nt gonna last. I wanted it to. But i dont want to be in this emotional state for the rest of my life. I am just not sure how much more i will or will not put up with.

As for friends...well that is a rare word in deed. Colin has become extremely close to me again. He got over his "must keep friends away" phobia so now he's willing to keep in contact with more of us now. And that makes me really happy. He's very understanding. but i think at this point... i'd take almost anyone.

Liz is... still ... not herself. And i fear she never will be. I miss my friend i could stay up with until god knows what hour of the morning. Now if she is on for more than an hour she's being yelled at by david. And I cant really talk to her. Most of the time all either of us want to do is ... talk. about our life. but they are both so deperessing. She cant leave david yet because she will loose the boys, but she is unhappy with him. and .. somewhere along the lines i realised i'd lost her. She wasnt' my best friend anymore. ... and i dont konw when it happened. She joined a bunch of online chat thingys after the anxiety attacks and her hospital stay. and every since then she talks to them more than she does me. and now i dont even know what's going on in her life because... i am so out of the loop.

Melissa is.. sadly working through her own issues. she did find out she wasn't pregnant. Which ... as she said ... isn't necessarily good, but she can live with it. It was probably the wrong time for her to be having a kid anyway. at least till she gets the problems she has with her boyfriend really worked out. ... even there. I mean we are a lot alike and we do share a lot of interests and stuff. But ... i dont konw. once again. never see her outside of Posados.

It is pretty sad that leslie is about the only female friend i do have strict contact with anymore. and she is three hours away. and as she puts it ... "we're family" Doesn't matter that we dont have blood between us. we are family. Sometimes it helps to hear that. especially after last october when i found out people i thought were family did not feel the same way toward me. I spent months crying over that.

I.. I dont konw what to do anymore. I want to pour out my soul but obviously no one has time. and the one person who does is Tyrant, and must as i joke with him and i know if i told him listen i'm in a jam i need help he would be there, he deals with enough crap right now as it is.

and chris. Well.. honestly I know some part of me is still VERY bitter about what happened last october. and... well... now he's willing to sacrefice our friendship because of his girlfriend. and that hurts too. We were supposed to be friends first, and ex's second. apparently he didn't mean that when he said it either, because he distances me because I am an ex. but doesn't do anything about the fact that we're friends. That he refuses to call me 90% of the time... and oh. there is just so much to it it's not even ... it's beyond explanation.

me and gil... the silence that extends between us is maddening. sometimes it really feels like so much of a lie it hurts. Some part of me wonders if i shouldn't have called him back the day he left. If i should have just let him walk out. and say fine. go. *Shudder* god even know. I cant stand to wake up in bed alone i get this bone grinding chill run down my spine. But i dont konw. maybe it would be better. Jeeze do i feel like a coward. T_T.

.... Lost. Lost with no map no compas. Not even a friend to talk to on this road.
 
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15th March 2009

1:08pm: Bitches
 Chris went to see wicked >_< he fucking sucks. but at least he said he'd get me a tshirt. so that will be cool. wish i could go.

Also speaking of musicals. a true shock. The little mermaid OBC has surprisingly grown on me. it's a kind of fun sound tracked backed by a strong lead, (sierra bogges) and TLM classics like PArt of your world, as well as some of the other songs out of the movie. I dont entirely agree with the reorchestration of all the songs, but i was plesantly surprised about many of the new songs. It has been my experience that in terms of disney on broad way there are generally two or three news songs i REALLY care for. and TLM is no exception, there are some songs on the new CD i really care for (world above, dancing, and she's in love) but the others are also fairly up beat and it was fairly ammusing. I was apprehentious about this CD because the tracks on Itunes didn't give a good range of songs (but in terms of broadway they hardly ever give enough sample to really KNOW a song). But anyway, I was happy and I liked it.


Been in a musical mood the last few days. I would like to have it play loud on my speakers, but with the 40k modeling, i dont hate mars enough to torture his ears like mindy does to us. So i merely hum a lot with my headphones on. '

Found out amy isn't dead. I suppose that is hopeful. Dont really feel like being ignored so i am not sure i'm gonna try to call again. But chris said he saw her. so... *shrug* I was getting really close to calling her mother or coleman. but hey i guess this will be enough contact for the next six months >_< blech.

ahh well. i need to get back to painting.
Current Music: World Above- TLM OBC
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21st February 2009

12:49am: continuity
 Things are always okay in the end. I try to remind myself of that. Mixed emotions are causing ... me to see and want different things... strnage how that works...
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23rd January 2009

4:39am: She said it best
 I was looking up an author today. Just read one of her books, and absolutely adored it. She did one of my favorite things i never get to see enough of in a series, create a character that i adore, and work with it. there are eight children and eight books, and of course cameo's from one sibling to another through out the series.... but anyway..... i went to her site to look up some stuff... found out she had a little blub about the benefits ofbecomming a romance author. now ok i admit... my choice in reading can sometimes be a little limiting... alright a LOT limiting....  but she said something in her blub. she mentioned how she gets emails about people asking how to become a writer, or telling her they loved her book. common adoration. but... she said every once in a while.... there is a sad letter. she said sometimes she gets "Someone who writes that their husband has just left them, or that someone dear to them passed away, and they pick up her book and for a few hours are able to set it all aside. to laugh when they didn't think they would laugh. and smlie when they didn't think they could." and... i seriously wonder if that's why i fell so far into this perticular... addiction if you will.... because no matter how ... crappy my day was, no matter what emotional ... crap. i am faced with. two facing friends, back stabbing strangers, evil ex wives... that for just a few hours i can dive in and indulge in a world where... it wILL be happy ever after. Maybe it just restores my faith in the fact that maybe that type of feeling does exist out there some where. Lord knows i haven't seen a lot of it in the last two weeks.

When mars aked brandon how he was holding up.... brandon said well ya ... you know janel left me right? mars kinda just chuckled and said ya... seems to be a lot of that going around right now. . . and unfortuantly... mars is right. ahh well.. that just struck me and made me think... that's all.
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14th January 2009

6:02pm: Period
 I fucking HATE haing my period. i dont get if very offten but i'm so damn easy to make angry or sad when i'm on the fucking rag. three days of this shit! it's really too damn much for my little self to handle >_<

and fuck. I hae no friends anymore! SOMEONE CALL ME! everyone wrapped up in their own lives. the only friends i seem to have now are mars and gil. THANKS EVERYONE! Fer nothing >_>..... fuck. i hate my moods like this. when i'm angry and upset and just all around raged. >_<
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10th January 2009

9:29pm: lonely
 I dont know why. I feel lonely. I have gotten so used to everyone. to having people talk to me. demanding time and attention... i'm now sitting alone. no boyfriend, no room mate,... no one... and... i'm lonely...
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13th November 2008

10:29pm: So my life finally has started going wlel and thinsg with amrs ahve fallen apparteven fast than they were just a week ago. But I have been spending a good time with Gil. He and i are really really happy. i love being able to be so honest with someone and then be able to tell him what i want to when i want to with full details.  He is honest  and good with me. lol. now i am hopeing this next few weeks is gonna be enjoyable.
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12th November 2008

11:17am: I have a migrane the size of manhattan.
Feeling nauseous. feeling betrayed. it's sad one aspect of my life goes down. while my life on the other end goes up so high it bypasses cloud nine. *sighs* headache.
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8th November 2008

2:08am: HE CALLED HE CALLED HE CALLED!
 lol omg. wow. i haven't been this happy.... in... a long time. it feels like drew when i just couldn't stop smileing. we talked for six and a half hours. SIX! Six. i was like... wow. and i just... i'm smileing and happyand .... jumpy up and down like i was with skyler.

i have to admit it's a bit combering konwing it's only gonna last three months of that. but...well... i knew that when this started that I was going to go to seattle. It's just part of making the decision to make the emotional investment. but... i'm sitll happy. i can't explain why i'm happy. in most situations i'd be devastated to have made such a good... friend. and to not be having anything else with him because a. i have given amy my word, and b. i really dont think i'm going toput my life on hold for anyone anymore.

but... in the mean time. i am goin to enjoy my date tomorrow.
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6th November 2008

6:03pm: Gil
 That was a .... fast recovery. But as I was telling melissa today, i'm done waiting. I waited for him for... years. and never felt for anyone what i felt for him. came close a few times, but just didn't have it. and now? ...*smile* now i'm waiting for Gil to call me. Maybe he will. I hope he does. but if he doesn't i wont be heart broken. i'll see him next wednesdays anyway. But... I am tired of being a fall back girl. I'm ready to have some fun with my life.
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25th October 2008

2:05am: Thankful for friends
 So... at midnight. You really see the friends that are the world to you. and the people you mean a lot too....

When i was done having my fight with chris, Amy was the one who was answering my phone call. Telling me okay, we've discussed the bad. not lets talk about something else. and she was the one to take my mind off of it. And it's what i love her for. She is awesome. And i owe her art work.
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